Must Feed Addiction...

It's a dreary day and today I just wanted to write a little bit about...well, anything.  I think that more than likely writing will be what I do for the rest of the day.  Even though there are some chores that really need doing, I really need to at least write something.  A blog entry seems like a good start to me.  After all, I promised I would keep you posted, and keep you posted I shall.  

As you know, I'm not participating in NaNo this year due to recently having a baby.  However, that doesn't mean I don't write at all.  When she takes her nap, I pick up the pen.  That's how it has to go.  Recently, I finished and turned in my Gelfling Gathering story, but my personal goal for November was to start a new novel by the end of the month.  The end of the month is almost here.

So far I've come up with some ideas for my vampire cyberpunk story.  It's been a long time since I wrote in the cyberpunk universe and I love meshing the setting with gothic horror.  But, I'm afraid I'm not really sure which way I want it to go.  I have good character concepts (except for the hardest part, picking the names), and a good setting, but I think I need a more simplified plot.  

Either way, I really want to start writing it, but I'm not what my friends like to call a "pantser."  When I just free write what comes to mind, while that can make for an interesting chapter or two, I usually get stuck at some point and can't think of anything.  Then, I lose steam on the project and usually don't come back to it.  (It's what happened to my steampunk love story, though I do intend to get back to that at some point.  I really felt like I had something special in that one, but I digress...)  The point is, I prefer to have a complete outline before I start anything so if I don't know which way I want to go I can refer back to the skeleton of the story.  The problem lies when I try to build the skeleton and I can't figure out how to connect point A to point B.  

Writing is amazing.  It lets you build worlds, build characters, and tell a story that has never been told before, or to tell a story that's been told before in a totally new way.  I wanted you to know that I still intend to be able to tell my stories to more than just a few test readers.  I recently turned in my "Blood Rain" novel to Curiosity Quills publishing company.  I'm hoping that they'll be interested because I liked their upfront and honest policy, and I think my story could be a good fit there.  We'll have to see.  I exhausted the online databases to find an agent for it, and even though I got some interest and some good responses, no one took it.  I think "Blood Rain" is one of my better novels and deserves a good home, and so does "Blood Moon" and "Blood God" (when it's totally finished).  I can't have that if no one gives it a chance, so I can't give up on it.

Well, I've talked a good bit about writing and I've come to a decision.  I'm going to write the first chapter of the new story just so that I can get psyched up about it again.  That chapter is planned out, so maybe it'll get my synapses firing with some fresh ideas.  Wish me luck.  First, I have to go fishing for the right names...

Blood of the Werewolf = RAGE! >:-(

ARRGGG!

As most of you know, playing video games is one of the things I do with my little amounts of free time when I'm not writing.  Every now and again there's a game that comes along that really leaves an impression on me.  "Skyrim" left an impression on me because it was such a fun game with so much you could do.  "Don't Starve" left an impression on me because it was so unique and addictive and I love anything that alludes to Lovecraftian monsters.

And now, there's "Blood of the Werewolf."  I got this game (among many others) during a Halloween sale on Steam.  I enjoy platformers and consider myself to be decent at them, and this one sounded perfect for me.

Let me start by saying one of the things that really irritates me about video games is how women are portrayed in them.  I'm not what you would call a "feminist," but I don't understand how in video games  a woman is either portrayed as a complete "batch" or a damsel in distress that needs to be rescued.  (Don't get me started on "Metroid Other M...")  Anyway, I always thought it would be compelling to have a story about a woman facing overwhelming odds to rescue her kidnapped child.  One thing that people tend to forget is how powerful motherhood is and that it is one thing that makes a woman very strong.

Well, I got my wish.  "Blood of the Werewolf" is about a woman whose husband was murdered and her child was kidnapped and now she's facing impossible odds to get him back.  (And, she and her family happened to be werewolves, but you get the idea...)  Anyway, I was ecstatic.  Hooray for a powerful female character protecting her child!

This is the most difficult game I've ever played.  This is the kind of game that makes hard core gamers want to throw their controller through their screens.  I found myself close to the end of the second level shouting obscenities and fighting the urge to bite my controller in half.  The game was more difficult than original "Castlevania," but the deathtraps were more like "Meatboy." But, dare I say it, worse?   The point is, this game was too damn difficult.  I like a challenge, but I no longer have time to memorize every way to jump or spend thirty minutes trying to figure out one puzzle.  (I actually tried for about twenty minutes or longer before I gave up.  I can be pretty stubborn...)

So, long story short, what is frustrating and filling me with werewolf-like rage is the fact that I will never be able to beat this game, so now I won't get to see the ending.  GRRRR!  I suppose I could cheat and look it up at some point, but I hate doing that.  Well, I can have a little grim satisfaction thinking that probably since the child is a werewolf, his mother will get to the end only to see he's wolfed out and killed a his kidnapper anyway.

If you're a hard core gamer, pick this game up.  I must admit, when you get through one of the rough traps it is very satisfying and does make you want to go on even if you wished you had put the game down thirty minutes ago, if not, good luck.  If you're protonjon, please play this game with some friends and put it on youtube.  And, if you're a gamer and like to watch people play and comment on obscure, old, and indie video games you can check out "http://www.youtube.com/crono141" and you can listen to me, my husband, and our friends playing and commentating on various games.  

In the meantime, I'm going to go crinos and release some of this rage for awhile...

Halloween is over, let the writing begin...

Hello all,

Sorry it took so long to post anything.  This has been a long and kind of weird month.  Things are going pretty well, though.  Our Halloween Party was a success and we got to see a lot of friends that we haven't visited in a long time.  Everybody has a strange schedule now, so we have to make the most of our time together.  The only bad thing was that I got sick with a sinus infection a day or two after the last party so on Halloween itself I was mostly curled up on the couch trying not to feel ill.  And, as usual, not many kids went trick-or-treating on our street.  (This is probably because we're the only house that obviously gives out candy.)

I'm happy to say that I've finished my story for "The Gelfling Gathering."  I'm done with revisions and now I just have to have someone check the grammar and then I can send it in.  Even though I seriously doubt that I'll be one of the top five, please be praying for me.  That still would be my dream job, and I think I have as much a chance as anyone else.  It really just depends on what sort of story they were looking for, and you never know unless you take that first step and compete.  I'm hoping that I can send it in next week.

I'm also working on a Castlevania PDQ game to run for my friends.  Even though it isn't "real" writing, it's a good creative exercise and has been a lot of fun to plan.  I'm hoping to start that up next weekend.  Ever since I ran the "Grimm" game, I've wanted to run a pure Castlevania gothic horror style game.  Some of the most fun we had in that game was a side adventure where the group braved Dracula's castle to rescue one of their friends.  I have high hopes for finishing this campaign as well.

Also, even though I'm not actively participating in "NaNo" this time around, I actually do have an idea for another urban fantasy vampire story.  So, I'm going to work on that whenever I have the time.  I think the ideas are good, but I have a lot of planning to do before I even attempt the first page.  Still, you never know, I might manage to get a really good start by the end of the month.  I think that starting it by the end of the month will be the goal, rather than 50,000 words.

Well, I'm off to take down the decorations from the Halloween party.  Hope to talk to you again soon.  

New Ideas and Revelations

Well, I looked at "Blood Rain" again and found that, though the character is a young adult, it's not young adult fiction.  I came to this realization after one of my test readers pointed out that there are some very graphic and disturbing scenes that either need to be changed or revisited before it can have a young adult audience.  I was thinking that might be the case as well, so I've decided to market it as pure fantasy rather than young adult fantasy and reread it later to make sure that's what I want to do with it.

However, even though "Blood Rain" isn't suited for young adult fantasy, I'm positive that my story for "The Gelfling Gathering" is perfect for it.  I just hope that those reading the entries think the same.  I feel good about what I've written, but I don't know if it's what they're looking for.  I've come up with 7,500 words and the first few chapters of a potential novel.  It was very fun to write and I was pretty enthusiastic about the project which is generally a good sign.  Still, I need to polish the story a little more before it's ready for submission.  I have a few months, though, and I think I should have it ready before it's even time to enter the competition.

I have a new idea for a fantasy story.  It isn't quite fleshed out yet, but I had an idea for an opening scene that I can't get out of my head.  I'm going to start on it very soon, but before I get too far into a new novel, I'm thinking of looking into the anthology market again.  Even though I've gotten into various horror anthologies, I think that if I'm going to focus on fantasy I need to try to get a story published in that genre as well.  Plus, even if my story isn't picked, it'll be a good opportunity to practice and to get other ideas that can potentially be expanded into an epic fantasy novel.  Wish me luck.  It's been a long time since I submitted anything to a magazine or anthology.

So, anyway, that's my writing news for now.  I'll keep you posted if anything changes.  Once I finish the introduction of the new fantasy novel, I might post it here.  We'll see.  In the meantime, keep reading and writing.

DragonCon

Hello All,

Well, I am exhausted from my one day at DragonCon, but it was definitely worth it.  That was more walking than I've done in a very long time.  I was lucky that we finished registering just in time and I got to attend the Mighty Men of Fantasy and SF panel to listen to Kevin J. Anderson, Jim Butcher, and D. B. Jackson speak.  It was very informative and fun.  It gave me a better idea about the personalities of some of the writers I admire and there were some useful tips about writing that I picked up on as well.  Next time we go we're hoping to have a longer weekend.  The problem this year was mostly money and a lack of enough days to take off.

Even though money is tight, we're considering buying the tickets early while they're on sale and going ahead and planning to go next year too.  I hope that we can.  While I can't afford going to most cons, I might be able to afford this one.  If I'm going to be serious about getting published, I really need to keep up with my connections from the writing class last year and anyone who is willing to help me on the road to success.  At the very least, I should be placing more business cards about my website around where people can see them.

I hand delivered a letter to Jim Butcher when I went to get his autograph later in the evening.  Honestly, the main reason I wanted to go (other than spending time with my sister, which I need to do more often...) was because I really wanted to meet Jim Butcher and to see the kind of person he is in reality.  My friends got to go and get his autograph about a year or two ago and I was very disappointed that I didn't get to go with them.  It seems like whenever I try to attend some sort of writing event, something unexpected comes up.  When I went to attend Neil Gaiman's writing tour, I suddenly came down with flu like symptoms and had to stay home.  I didn't want the same sort of thing to happen again.

I wrote the letter to Jim Butcher because I wanted him to know that he's one of my favorite authors and that I respect him and read all of his work.  I was also hoping that he could give me some advice on finding an agent and taking the next step in starting my career.  It occurred to me recently that I've been writing for well over five years now.  I've finished seven novels and am about halfway through three others, and I haven't had any luck finding an agent yet.  I understand that the first one that I pitched definitely wasn't ready for it, but I have to admit that I'm disappointed about the lack of interest in "Everburn" and "Blood Rain."  I really could use all the help or encouragement that I can get, so I ended the letter with, as a joke, "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi.  You're my only hope."

I hope he reads the letter and I get some advice.  If any of you have any advice, please feel free to share it.  Right now, I'm just going to take the advice he gave at the panel.  I'm going to write everyday.  I'm going to find the time again, somehow.  

Do I Have a Golden Ticket?

I'm glad to say that for once I have news on the writing front.  Recently I got an opportunity that has really sent a spark into my creativity and has rekindled my ambition to become a novelist.  The Jim Henson company is having a contest to find the next author of a book that will expand the universe of the Dark Crystal and become canon for, hopefully, a series.   

Let me start out by saying that I've always either wanted to work for Jim Henson or Walt Disney.  Even though both brilliant, creative minds are gone from this world their legacy lives on through their companies, and deep down I've never really given up on my dream.  When I heard about this contest I felt like it was perfect for me.  

Even though I'm sure that it also seems perfect for several other people, I can't help but feel hopeful about it.  It made me think about the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and Grandpa Joe saying in response to Charlie's chances, "You've got more, Charlie, because you want it more."  Even though I know that isn't the case for reality, it feels really nice to dream like I'm a child again, that I might actually have a chance to do something that is really just right for me.  Do I have a golden ticket?  I guess we'll wait and see.  Nothing is written yet...

On a more realistic note, this contest has made me realize something--I really like writing young adult fantasy.  The settings in "The Dark Crystal" source material in some ways are similar to the settings I've created for d"Blood Rain," in the way the varying races are living within sweeping deserts or traversing vast oceans.  I love fantastic settings and writing about young characters coming of age and learning about themselves in heroic adventures.  I think young adult fantasy might be my calling.  Hearing about this contest made me want to finish "Blood God," the last book in my series, just so that I could explore my universe further through other spin off books and other characters.

Long story short, I'm entering the contest.  If I could even just become one of the top five authors to be considered, it might be enough to launch my writing career.  Either way, it'll be a good challenge for me and will give me a project to work on for the next few months.  I love the thought of writing canon for "The Dark Crystal."  It was one of the movies I grew up watching and the settings they've added and the different types of Gelflings are wonderful.  It will be a very fun world to play in.  I intend to write a full length novel and send them the best set of chapters from it.  I have until December, so please be praying for me.  

Ring...ring..."Hello, Destiny?  I've been expecting your call."

Labor and Motherhood

Sorry I've been absent, but the last several weeks have been a roller coaster for me.  First of all, my beautiful daughter, Evangeline, was born on April 22nd.  It was a few days before I expected to have her, but I was more than ready to have the labor be over with by that point anyway.  I accidentally/purposely induced my labor...I guess I'll start at the beginning and tell you what I mean.

April 21st was a beautiful day, and for once I finally had energy.  I decided that I wanted to go to the zoo and walk around for a little bit.  Ironically, several people warned me that if I walked around too much it could cause me to induce labor.  In a way, I wanted that to happen because I was tired of the swollen ankles, lack of energy, back pain, etc., and I was so close to the due date of the baby (April 25th).  I basically wanted the comfort of having it over with.  Still, I never dreamed that it would actually work.  So, I decided to risk it.  The walk was great and when I got home I had a nice long nap.  However, I was awoken from my nap with some mild abdominal pain which I thought was Braxton Hicks contractions.  I was wrong.

To anyone who is going to have a baby and has heard that contractions tend to start out many minutes apart and get more intense and closer together as they progress, that is only SOMETIMES the case.  My contractions came about four minutes apart and just got more intense, but the timing didn't change.  When they got more painful I called one of my friends in the medical profession to find out if what I was feeling was real.  Long story short, it was.  I ended up at the hospital at 11:30 at night.

It was rough.  When I got to the hospital there was a lot of waiting and filling out paperwork, then when the nurse took a look at me it turned out that I was only dilated by one centimeter.  The doctor on call had me walk around the birthing center floor at the hospital for one hour.  By the time that hour was up my contractions were becoming painful enough that I was gasping for breath (trying to remember how to stay calm and breathe) and occasionally screaming.  However, they checked again and I still was only a centimeter, so they had me walk around for another two hours using a wheelchair to lean up against whenever I had a contraction.  It was getting to the point that walking felt like a form of torture.  When they checked--you guessed it--I was still only a centimeter, so they had me walk around for another forty minutes.  By about five in the morning they decided to give me some morphine and let me rest to see if that would help me dilate.

Something if you are a new mother that you should know is that when it comes time for the delivery, all of your well made plans will more than likely fall out the window.  I didn't intend to use pain medication until it became time for an epidural, but I was more than ready for the morphine.  And, it seemed that was what I needed in the first place.  After a nice, hour long, mostly pain-free nap, I dilated nearly four centimeters.  After another short nap, it turned out that I dilated another four and was moved to the delivery room to push.

When it was time to start going into labor, I remember that one of my friends said, "If you get the epidural there's still pressure but not pain."  In my case, pressure was pain--bad lower back and upper abdominal pain.  I took my epidural when the nurse recommended it, but the contractions slowed down to ten minutes apart, so they gave me Pitocin to speed up the process.  I think the Pitocin was what did me in.  It made the contractions hurt more in the two places that the epidural didn't affect, and given that I only could try to give birth in one position afterwards that involved crunching down on my upper abdomen while my legs were being pulled by my mom and my husband nearly behind my head, and I could feel the contractions badly in my lower back, it was agony.  I tried to push, but lack of sleep, pain, and physical exhaustion were collapsing in on me like a demolished building and I just couldn't seem to do it.  I would fall asleep in the two minute intervals between contractions and was practically begging to just skip pushing during one of them.  When you're that tired and in that much pain, holding your breath for ten seconds while hunching over and pushing feels like trying to puzzle out a question way beyond your capacity to solve.

I tried to push for over an hour before the doctor on call came into the room.  Ironically, it was the same doctor who helped me through my miscarriage.  He was wearing a camouflage medical cap and made a funny comment about "hunting for babies."  He told them to "break down the room" and it was like the whole place transformed.  There was suddenly blue medical cloth around me, the bed started changing shape, and medical utensils were literally coming out of the walls as the entourage of nurses around him worked.  (The room was a freaking transformer...I would've thought that it was the medication but I have witnesses.)  Then, doctor simply told me that I was going to have the baby in ten minutes.

The nurse told me that I was not pushing properly.  I was starting to feel hopeless, like I couldn't do it, but his upbeat attitude gave me a renewed motivation and made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I could.  I tried pushing unaided for another hour and then he gave me some more pain medication, and I found myself chanting "I can do this...I can do it."  Still, the going was slow and I was still so weak that I wasn't making much progress, so I finally gave him permission to help me.  Even though I didn't want to use suction to get the baby out initially, again, our good intentions are sometimes not practical when it's time to have the baby.

She was six pounds and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  When I saw her, the entire pregnancy, the labor pain, and the exhaustion was worth every second.  I know that sounds corny, but it's true.  It really is true that when you see your child for the first time you forget about the pain and the any frustration you felt during the pregnancy.  That's why when people talk about the labor they say it wasn't that bad.  It's not that it wasn't bad, it was that the result was so good you can't focus on the bad anymore.  Having that baby was the most fulfilling thing I've ever done in my life.  It's put a lot of things into perspective for me as well.    

And, now, I have a baby.  Breastfeeding isn't working out well, but she's healthy and strong even with mostly formula feeding.  The cats are adjusting nicely as well.  Some of them even seem very protective over the baby.  Ironically, the meanest one of the bunch is actually the one that seems to care about her the most.

Recovery from labor is coming slowly.  I'm a little frustrated because I did get an infection recently that caused me a fever for three days and it seems that not one day has gone by where I feel like there isn't some new pain or discomfort from recovering.  Still, all things considered I'm adjusting very well.  I can't believe that I went from being afraid of holding the baby to changing diapers, feeding her, bathing her, rocking her to sleep, and even starting to interpret what her crying means in only two weeks time.  I'm functioning fairly well on very little sleep, but I've had a lot of help from friends, family, and especially my mom and my husband, with the chores and with the cooking.  I've been focusing on learning how to care for Eva and learning her schedule so that hopefully I can adapt to it and learn how to work within it.  (I'm writing this blog while she's sleeping after her afternoon feeding...it's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.)  I'm also starting to have friends over again and have even made a little extra time to write.

Still, this baby is the most important thing to me now.  I'll do my best to protect her, teach her, and above all make sure that she knows how much her mommy and daddy love her.  As for the writing, I'm going to work it in.  I feel like this new perspective is something that can help improve my work in the long run.  This phase in my life is a wonderful new adventure, and my daughter is a miracle.

My husband said to me after we got home, "It's funny, I never knew I could love someone this much.  It takes me time to get to close to people, but I loved her the moment I saw her."  I know exactly how he feels.